{"id":149,"date":"2025-08-13T12:35:13","date_gmt":"2025-08-13T12:35:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/?p=149"},"modified":"2025-08-15T12:31:46","modified_gmt":"2025-08-15T12:31:46","slug":"dating-is-so-bleak-even-the-anxious-girlies-are-becoming-avoidant","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/2025\/08\/13\/dating-is-so-bleak-even-the-anxious-girlies-are-becoming-avoidant\/","title":{"rendered":"Dating Is So Bleak, Even The Anxious Girlies Are Becoming Avoidant"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Are you anxious, avoidant<\/a> or secure? What\u2019s rarely discussed is whether people can switch from one camp to another. People wear their \u201canxious\u201d labels as if they\u2019re fixed for good, but that isn\u2019t necessarily so. Within the bleak dating scene today \u2014 1.4million people left dating apps<\/a> in 2024, and 78% of people<\/a> feel exhausted by apps \u2014 people who previously saw themselves as anxious are now identifying as avoidant<\/a>, and we\u2019re seeing people candidly share this on TikTok<\/a>. Dating disappointments have hardened them.\u00a0<\/p>\n

If you follow pop psychology, you\u2019ll know these terms as part of attachment theory<\/a>. It\u2019s a simple, if reductive idea, on how people \u201cattach\u201d to partners \u2014 do they do it anxiously fearing abandonment, do they avoid connection as a way to self-protect, or are they well balanced and secure. It\u2019s missing some nuance, but it helps people explain or understand their connection to people a little better.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Charlotte (surname withheld), 35, is one of these people who feel they switched from an anxious to avoidant dating style. \u201cI have been in relationships previously that did not make me feel secure, and led to an anxious attachment style<\/a>,\u201d she says. \u201cIn the last few years, I have been much more avoidant.\u201d She\u2019s since avoided dating men all together and de-centred romantic relationships<\/a>. Charlotte decided that being alone was better for her wellbeing after noticing this change in herself. Now, she\u2019s started to date again, but she wants to move into a secure attachment style. \u201cCounselling this last year has really changed things for me,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n

The shift in anxious people is one of pain avoidance \u2014 there\u2019s only so many times an anxious person can date a non-secure partner without it impacting how they date. \u201cIt\u2019s a natural reaction to want to avoid anything that has been a source of pain to us,\u201d says Dee Johnson, psychotherapist at Priory Hospital<\/a>, Chelmsford. \u201cFear is a natural and necessary protection response, but it can become all-consuming.\u201d Signs that someone is going from one attachment style to another could include suddenly becoming cold or suddenly presenting as clingy and controlling, Johnson says. \u201cThis emotive reactive roller coaster is an indicator of pain, fear, insecurity, grief, hurt and a sense of feeling lost and unsure of identity and self worth.\u201d<\/p>\n

People might think that becoming avoidant is \u201csafer\u201d, but it\u2019s actually just another way of self-sabotaging. On TikTok, people have even been making light of switching to avoidance. One person made a video miming cuffs<\/a> coming off them, crediting that so-called freedom with the anxious to avoidant switch. \u201cFree but at what cost,\u201d reads one of the top comments. Others post videos smiling to the camera<\/a>, seemingly celebrating. \u201cWhile an understandable and natural reaction,\u201d Johnson says, \u201cover time, it will cut us off from good stuff and possibly turn our behaviours more dark, suspicious, and paranoid that will leak out into all relationships.\u201d Johnson warns the result of this might look like anxiety, low moods and isolation. \u201cThe sad reality is that we are then still giving power to someone from our past that really hurt and damaged us,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n

Some people might have even swung this way without fully realizing it. Liz Kelly, therapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy<\/em><\/a>, says it\u2019s important to reflect on how your past is impacting you in the present. \u201cYou don\u2019t want to evaluate new partners through the lens of previous mistreatment,\u201d Kelly advises. \u201cEntering a new relationship is a highly vulnerable time, even if you have a secure attachment style. You are figuring out the other person\u2019s character, values, and communication patterns, and assessing whether they are a good fit for you and trustworthy.\u201d And so, dating anyone requires sitting with some discomfort of the unknown.<\/p>\n

How To Move Into Secure Attachment<\/h2>\n

This is no one-size-fits-all, and deep work through therapy or counselling might be needed for personal issues. However, Johnson says there are steps you can begin to take on your own. \u201cA secure style is a place where you will want to embrace and value a relationship but not at any cost to your own identity, values, individuality, and self-respect,\u201d Johnson says. \u201cThat can be a lot easier said than done depending on what your life experiences have been, where your self-confidence is, and how hurt you have been. You might start with: working on having boundaries, recognizing red flags, learning assertiveness, ensuring you vocalize your needs and desires, and understanding that safe relationships have healthy compromise.\u201d This all takes time, Johnson adds, and involves learning more about yourself, exploring where your self-worth is, and what you understand a healthy relationship to be.<\/p>\n

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Would You Invest $12,000 To Help You Find Love?<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Are you anxious, avoidant or secure? What\u2019s rarely discussed is whether people can switch from one camp to another. People wear their \u201canxious\u201d labels as if they\u2019re fixed for good, but that isn\u2019t necessarily so. Within the bleak dating scene today \u2014 1.4million people left […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":151,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[10],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=149"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":152,"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149\/revisions\/152"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/151"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.1shiawase-body.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}